DOWNLOAD THE PAULA WHITE MINISTRIES APP TODAY!! >>>   PWM Mobile App - Itunes  PWM Mobile App - Android

Victory Through Relationship

The currency of the kingdom of God is relationships. Life is not about what you have, your title, or your bank accounts. Although all those things are important, life is relational. We exist and perceive our identity not in a vacuum, but in relation to whom we are connected. I believe that God wants us to experience the abundant life, one that is superior in quality…and for us to have victory in our relationships!
Statistics have shown that happiness is positively correlated with stable, healthy relationships. When you have healthy relationships and feel loved and accepted for who you are, you are much more likely to be a healthy, happy person. In connection, we find comfort, safety and nurturing that allows us to develop as a whole person. Your relationships can even affect your biochemistry, which affects your physical body. It isn’t any surprise then, that Satan would try to affect our ability to be healthy and whole in relationships, or to choose the wrong individuals with which to have relationship. We only experience victory through relationship with Jesus Christ. Our first victory begins with that one thing – relationship. Relationships are the most important aspect of life, but unfortunately, relationships can needlessly become difficult because of past trauma and experience. Everything that we need comes down to our relationship with Jesus Christ. Complete victory in the kingdom of God often comes through our relationships with other believers. God created us for relationship! The two fundamental building blocks of society are the church and the family. We need wholeness in our relationships so that we can have wholeness in the church. So how do we reach the point of being whole and healed in our relationships? Let me share with you what God showed me. For a long time, I was not healthy or whole in my relationships. My idea of what was “normal” was in fact, “not normal” and I had to study, digest and apply God’s Word to my life to find wholeness. God will take what is unhealthy within you and begin to work on you through the Holy Spirit. If you are willing, He will bring you to the place where you are whole in Christ in your relationships. Now that I am married, I thank God that endured the process of becoming whole. You can’t conquer what you will not confront! When a relationship is healthy, we can cultivate that relationship. When a relationship is unhealthy and toxic, we should distance ourselves from that person or prayerfully consider severing from our lives. Through the Holy Spirit working in us, we can obtain victory in our relationships. The Bible says, “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it springs the issues of life.” (Proverbs 4:23). Here is a delicate challenge! If I put up too high of a wall around my heart, I become a prisoner to myself. It is easy for me to isolate myself from the good relationships God has for me, because I’ve been wounded in the past. But if I’m not guarded at all, I’m vulnerable to the wounding of malicious, destructive people. So I have to be responsible to guard my heart. The Bible tells us to “not believe every spirit, but test the spirits” in other people before we ever get into a relationship with them (1 John 4:1). This means we shouldn’t jump into a relationship too quickly, whether it’s with a person or an organization. It takes time to really get to know a person or group of people. You shouldn’t make a decision based on one experience, because you’re only seeing a sliver of the person or group. Anybody can show you a side they want you to see for a time. How many people wake up one day and wonder who the person is lying next to them? Often people have “purchased” something based on false and misleading advertising. They didn’t pay attention to the fine print. Listen up: never lose your identity or compromise your character for anyone! If they don’t like you, all of you, just the way you are – then walk away. You cannot lose who you are for them! Ultimately, you will be hurt by their self-interest and lack of conscience and consideration to your well-being. In Genesis 29, Rebekah, Jacob’s mother, had two daughters, Leah and Rachel. Jacob fell head over heels in love with Rachel, and he made an agreement with Rachel’s father Laban to be able to marry Rachel. Jacob agreed to work for Laban for seven years in order to marry her, and the Bible says it passed in a moment because of Jacob’s love for Rachel. After seven years of labor, Jacob has his wedding. But when he awakes the next day, he finds that he has married Leah instead! Jacob works seven more years to marry Rachel. He loves Rachel so passionately, but he did not love Leah. Leah was caught in a web of deception that was not her doing. Leah knew she was not the wife who Jacob wanted, so she began to try to gain his affection. She started having children, thinking somehow that if she gave him children, he would love her. Toxic sign #1: Gaining Jacob’s love become an obsession for Leah. The starting point for turning unhealthy relationships to healthy ones is by eliminating the idols in your life and putting God first. Even though Leah had a covenant relationship with God, and was birthing blessings given to her by God, she did it for the wrong reason. She was parading her blessings of children around to try to gain Jacob’s affection. The love and affection she desired from Jacob, who was not able to give it to her, became her god – an idol. After we have eliminated the idols from our lives and put God first, we must identify and accept the reality of our relationships. One key to having healthy relationships is that you are not trying to be someone else’s God. There’s a huge difference between helping a person and carrying a person. Only God can fix your heart, mend your mind and meet the unfulfilled needs in your life. No other human being can ever complete you, and you can’t complete another person. When you begin to get away from unhealthy relationships, you will experience some criticism. You will need to be rock solid in your conviction that you deserve better because God has shown you better. Sometimes we find ourselves in a place where we have a few unhealthy relationships that will require some distance. Ending relationships takes a lot of emotional energy, and when you find that this is the case, end unhealthy relationships progressively. Don’t ever burn a bridge unless you have to – leaving things in a state of mutual respect is always best. Be sure going forward, that you form relationships to fit. The currency of the kingdom of God is relationships. God never intended for you to be alone! You can’t conquer what you will not confront, and you can’t confront what you don’t identify. There was a time when I was not healthy in the area of relationships. If we are willing to study, digest and apply God’s Word to our life to find wholeness in relationships, God will take what is unhealthy and begin to restore you through the Holy Spirit. God wants us to experience the abundant life, and for us to have victory in our relationships. God is no respecter of persons – what he will do for one, He will do for another. God will restore to you the joy of relationship just as He has done in my life! God has relationships for you that will bring you blessing, multiplication, and joy! Get ready!
 

Continue Reading 2 Comments

Restoration of the Heart

And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” Gen 2:18, KJV

It is not good for man to be alone, I’ll make him a helper, a companion” Gen 2:18, Message

For a long time, I was not healthy or whole in my relationships. My idea of what was “normal” was “not normal”. I had to identify what was going wrong through the lens of God’s Word. Although it took time, effort and tears of pain, I am so blessed that God brought me through the process of finding wholeness in relationships. I had to study, digest and apply God’s Word to my life to find wholeness. You can’t conquer what you will not confront, and you can’t confront what you don’t identify.

God will take what is unhealthy within you and begin to work on you through the Holy Spirit. If you are willing, He will bring you to the place where you are whole in Christ in your relationships. Now that I am married, I thank God that endured the process of becoming whole because I received the prize! What God does for one, He will do for another. God does not play favorites – He is no respecter of persons. God has relationships for you. He has a Boaz for you. He has good friends in the kingdom of God. Are you ready?

God and His Word has a lot to say about relationships, connection, intimacy, bonding, and sex. In relationship connections, we find comfort, safety and nurturing that allows us to develop as a whole person. Truly loving others maturely and not becoming co-dependent comes from loving and respecting ourselves first which only comes from “wholeness” through intimate relationship with God!

Statistics have shown that happiness is correlated to the cultivation and experience of stable, healthy relationships. When you have healthy relationships and feel loved and accepted for who you are, you are much more likely to be a healthy, happy person. Connection is the key to happiness. God wants us to be happy, and experience the joy of whole, secure relationships. Let’s go a little deeper into the issues surrounding relationship connections: the issues of bonding and attachment.

Our connections are determined in large part by how we bond. Our bonding patterns are formed by good, or lack of “good,” attachment bonding, which is related to certain behaviors that parents exhibit with their babies.

Attachment bonding sets the stage for better adjustment all through our lives. It is the foundation of how we are formed and the beliefs, behaviors that we will carry out in our lifetime. Parental engrossment describes the characteristics that occur when the parents are engrossed and begin to bond with the infant.

Pay careful attention to these behaviors and you will see that many of these same characteristics can be seen later during the courtship phase of intimacy as you enter relationships.

Parental Engrossment leading to strong, healthy attachments in babies:

1) Absorption, preoccupation and interest, including visual awareness and focusing on the beauty of the child;

2) Tactile awareness, focusing on holding, stroking, kissing;

3) Awareness of distinct positive physical characteristics;

4) Perception of the baby as “perfect”;

5) Development of a feeling of very strong attraction to the baby;

6) Experiencing a feeling of elation while with the baby;

7) Experiencing a deep sense of satisfaction and self-esteem;

8) Increased blood pressure, pulse and respiration while interacting with the baby;

While these intensive behaviors wane as the child gets older, these early attachment behaviors gives the child security, or lack of the behaviors leads to insecurity in the child. Studies show that 85% of our personality is set by age 6. Security or insecurity undergirding the personality in a person can determine whether or not this person will develop healthy attachments to others, or unhealthy and codependent attachments.

Bonding in adult relationships begins with infatuation and the particular behaviors associated with it. Scientists believe certain brain chemicals that are secreted in our limbic system (the part which governs basic emotions) during infatuation and adult attachment contribute to the bonding process.

While the initial bonding part of an adult relationship is exciting due to infatuation, adult attachment is more warm, comfortable and secure. All of us have bonding needs but there are usually one or two that are more important than the rest. They are possibly needs that were not completely fulfilled in your childhood.

Besides infatuation, love maps dictate how we choose a mate. A love map is a map in our heart or mind made up of the characteristics from the first people we fall in love with – our early caregivers. A love map can have characteristics that are positive, negative or a blend of both. The “love maps” formed in our heart or mind can determine one or two bonding needs that are traits we didn’t receive in our childhood that greatly influence our choice in mates. These one or two traits can cause us to continue choosing partners that are themselves unable to have healthy relationships. If you have a sneaking feeling sometimes that your relationships are different faces, but the same old sad love story, then this could be what is going on. We have to deal with the root cause of the cycle to interrupt it and obtain from God the things we keep seeking in other people. This means that, like me, because of early experiences, your idea of what is “normal” may instead be “somewhat toxic”.

As we grow into adulthood, we are to put away childish understandings and concepts. Any unhealthy relationship cycles in your life must be stopped, and healthy, mature relationship cycles must begin in your life to have the happiness that God has for you. We move into unselfish maturity, which brings us security, reduced anxiety, peace and greater love in relationships.

A healthy relationship takes time to grow. Here are 10 crucial aspects victorious adult relationships should have. Each one has a scripture next to them. I encourage you to study these scriptures and commit them to heart, especially if you didn’t always experience healthy relationships growing up.

  1. ACCEPTANCE: To experience a deliberate reception of a favorable response. (Rom 15:7)

  2. RESPECT: To hold in high regard. (Rom 12:10)

  3. ATTENTION: To convey interest and thought to another (1 Cor 12: 25)

  4. EMPATHY / COMFORT: To give consolation with tenderness (1 Thess 4:18)

  5. APPRECIATION: To communicate gratefulness with words and feelings (1 Cor 1:4)

  6. SECURITY: To have confidence of harmony and freedom from harm (Mark 6:50)

  7. SUPPORT: To come alongside and gently help carry a load (Gal 6:2)

  8. APPROVAL: Expressed commendation and positive affirmation ( Rom 14:18)

  9. AFFECTION: To communicate care and closeness with physical touch (Rom 16:16)

  10. ENCOURAGEMENT: To urge forward and positively persuade toward a goal (Heb 10:24)

Love is something we can learn to do. 1 Corinthians 13 describes the love that makes natural the regular practice of the above behaviors in our relationships. Love endures long, is patient and kind, it suffers long, and it is not envious. Love is not jealous. In other words, there is no fear of someone being preferred over you. Love is not boastful, haughty, or rude. It does not act unbecomely. Love is not self-seeking or selfish. Love is not resentful and keeps no record of things done wrong. Love bears up under anything. It never fails!

The best way to experience restoration of the heart is to walk in God’s love. Life is relational; it is impacted by those to whom we are connected. When we are joined and established in covenant relationship, we can experience great joy. In order to have healthy, fulfilling relationships, we have to be whole in our bonding needs, and experience crucial elements of healthy adult relationships. Through the power of the Holy Spirit and applying God’s Word, we can experience restoration of the heart in our relationships.

 

Continue Reading No Comments

A Triumphant Restoration

“…I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, The crawling locust, The consuming locust, And the chewing locust,[e] My great army which I sent among you. 26 You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, And praise the name of the Lord your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you; And My people shall never be put to shame. 27 Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel: I am the Lord your God And there is no other. My people shall never be put to shame.” Joel 2:25-27

God is a God of restoration. The heart of what He does, from salvation to justification, is restoration. Before time began, we were in Christ and were foreknown by Him. When the first Adam came into being, God already had in mind a second Man, His own Son, who would come in glory and restore the damage and the magnitude of everything lost by the first man. The joy of His salvation far exceeds the horror of our fall! God authored our destiny. God works all things, even the free will decisions of humankind, into compliance with His own plan so that His words over creation and humankind will ring true. The decree in God’s Word for how things will be on earth and heaven is precisely the way things will fall into place by His mighty sovereignty and manifold wisdom. Why does God care so much about restoring what has been lost? Maybe it is because God is a God of love, and what He predestines for you He holds tenderly in His mighty hands, knowing in His perfect timing the exact day you will be ready for Him to release it. Maybe it is because God, in His indescribable majesty, decrees eternal plans that are so powerful that they may not be usurped by a destroyer. Maybe God will always amaze us with His passion and power for restoration. God restores what was lost before the fall. Before the fall, on the 6th day, we see God look over all that He had created – man, woman, plants, animals, birds and the earth. We see in Genesis 1 as He surveys all that He had created, like an artist might step back and review their masterpiece, God felt His creation was very good. Does God look back with longing at that moment and remember when, for a moment in time, everything was as He decreed it should be? Maybe, maybe not. We know this: Restoration is God’s callback to a time when everything was as He declared it should be, and restoration is also His prophetic promise of what is to come. God restores what we lost during imperfect childhoods. When lambs are young, they are more appealing to predators. When Satanic arrows flew our way, puncturing our souls at our most vulnerable, tender time, God had a plan to turn everything around for our good. When scars and wounds from life warped our personalities, skewed our perceptions and left us believing harmful lies in their wake, God had a plan for the restoration of our soul to come into the fullness of our intended stature. God restores what we lost when we fell into the pit of sin. Flailing around desperately until finally, we gave up our own efforts and cried out to Jesus, and that’s when life really began. We put our faith and trust in Jesus Christ, and were filled with the Holy Spirit. He began our consecration, and He set us apart as His own servant to work His purposes in the earth. When we fell into the mud, God had a plan to pull us out and set us on a solid rock. God restores what we lost when Satan operated through a “Judas”. When those closest to us give way to selfishness and demonic influence, leaving relationships irreparably harmed, God has a plan to resurrect us. When we are betrayed with a kiss and dealt the blow of death, God resurrects our hearts. God is a God of restoration and new beginnings. His people shall never be put to shame. His Word proclaims that He rolls back the reproach of our widowhood. He declares that we shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and He provides bread for the eating. Everything God does from salvation to justification revolves around the restoration of His people, His creation, and His rule and reign in the earth. When we look at the life of Pastor Paula White, we see her life reflecting the glory of the fullness of God’s restoration. From her testimony to the revelation of the Word that God has poured inside of her, Pastor Paula White is an example to every believer of God’s power, grace and supernatural favor. May her marriage to Jonathan Cain be a constant reminder for us all that there is restoration beyond what we ever thought possible and more than we could ever ask.

Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us…” Ephesians 3:20


Bonney Jean Rosas has been married to her husband Robert for almost 2 years and is pursuing dual careers in business and writing. They live in Austin, Texas, where they are enjoying life, enjoying Jesus and joyously raising her 10 year old son, Ethan.

 

Continue Reading No Comments

He Makes You Whole

And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” Gen 2:21-25 KJV

Did you know that God first appeared on the scene of human history in the role of a matchmaker? What a profound and exciting revelation! We’re thinking about relationships right now and I believe that God has wisdom and revelation in His Word that He wants to download into your heart, your family, and all of your relationships so that His plan can come to pass in your life. Marriage is a very special and sacred institution to God. God created marriage so that the family could springboard from the fountain of the marriage relationship. Because God created and intended all of these things before we entered the world, we look around and find that life is relational. Life is impacted by those to whom we are connected. The goal in marriage is more than friendship. The goal of marriage, among many other things, is establishing a oneness for the purpose of God. The person you marry should be able to help carry your purpose. This means they are supportive in every way for your supreme reason for being. They are all about your “why” in life, and you are all about theirs. Marriage is a co-commitment to the purposes of Jesus Christ. I call a co-committed relationship one where two people support each other in being whole and complete individuals. This takes unconditional love and acceptance. Unconditional love and acceptance are divine gifts from a holy God. For the most part, human flesh by itself does not possess the entire capacity for unconditional love and acceptance. You can’t give to others in relationship what you don’t already have for yourself. You must know the love of God personally in order to love others fully!

May Christ through your faith [actually] dwell (settle down, abide, make His permanent home) in your hearts! May you be rooted deep in love and founded securely on love,

That you may have the power and be strong to apprehend and grasp with all the saints [God’s devoted people, the experience of that love] what is the breadth and length and height and depth [of it];

[That you may really come] to know [practically, through experience for yourselves] the love of Christ, which far surpasses mere knowledge [without experience]; that you may be filled [through all your being] unto all the fullness of God [may have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself]!” Eph 3:17-19 AMP

Where marriage relationships are strong and have a solid foundation in Christ, we usually see “oneness” and the co-commitment aspect that I shared about earlier. Oneness and being committed to each other does not happen overnight or without the help of God. Oneness and co-commitment in a relationship requires wholeness. “Wholeness” occurs when you have a realistic, appreciative, loving opinion of yourself. In spite of your imperfections, you discern your unconditional human worth. This assurance fills you with the ability to have secure connection to others based in the assumption of unconditional human worth – for you and those you have connections with. Again, unconditional love and acceptance are gifts shed abroad in your heart by the Holy Spirit. For the most part, human flesh by itself does not possess the entire capacity for agape love and acceptance. You must know the love of God in order to give it to others. Knowing Jesus Christ and experiencing His awesome love makes you whole. Love depends, in part, on our ability to own and share our own faults. I believe this is one aspect of what Jesus meant in Luke 7:47 when He said, “The one who is forgiven much, loves much.” Love is many things, but I’m going to talk about four things here: Love is a feeling that you experience; it’s subjective, compelling and overwhelming. Love is also an attitude – it wants what’s best for the loved one at each moment. Love is also a concrete decision and commitment that you make every day. Sometimes you “will it” even though it’s difficult at the time. Even though this feels different than an overwhelming, compelling emotion, love is still a planned, calculated commitment to being unashamedly loyal to one person. Finally, love is a skill that is cultivated. Loving is something we learn to do. Love is an action word. Let’s look in 1 Corinthians 13 to describe for us what love looks like in action:

Love endures long, is patient and kind; Love suffereth long and not envious.

Love is not jealous;

Love is not boastful, haughty, or rude; Love does not act unbecomely.

Love is not self-seeking or selfish.

Love is not resentful and doesn’t keep an accounting book of everything done wrong to you.

Love bears up under anything and everything

Love never fails.

You have to practice love to perfect love and that is a decision you make every day. God has wisdom and revelation that He wants to download into your heart, your family, and all of your relationships so that His plan can come to pass in your life. The currency of the kingdom of God is relationships! God created and intended marriage and family before we entered the world, so it is no surprise that we look around and find that life is relational. Our life is impacted by those to whom we are connected. We need to get to wholeness in ourselves and in our relationships. When our marriage relationship has unity or oneness for the purpose of God, as well as commitment from each spouse to one another, then the foundation for the relationships is strong. Always remember that the person you marry should be able to help carry your purpose and add something special to your reason for being. Finally, marriage is a co-commitment to the purposes of Jesus Christ. When you are practicing and perfecting love for each other day by day, the power of God’s love will be a threefold cord that binds you together in Christ.

Continue Reading No Comments

Marital Needs

“And I heard as it were the voice of a great multitude, and as the voice of many waters,
and as the voice of mighty thunderings, saying,
Alleluia: for the Lord God omnipotent reigneth.

 Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him:
for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready. 
And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, clean and white:
for the fine linen is the righteousness of saints.
 And he saith unto me, Write, Blessed are they which are called unto the marriage supper
of the Lamb. And he saith unto me, These are the true sayings of God.”
Rev 19:6-9 KJV

Not only does human history open with a marriage; it is also destined to close with one.
Marriage is a special and sacred institution to God.  God created marriage so that the family could springboard from the fountain of the marriage relationship. Because God created and intended all of these things before we entered the world, we look around and find that life is relational. Life is impacted by those to whom we are connected. We’re thinking about relationships right now and I know that God has wisdom in His Word that He wants to download into your heart, your family, and all of your relationships so that His plan can come to pass in your life. 

In the text above, God Himself presides over the marriage ceremony of His own Son.  As it unfolds, heaven and earth blend together in a symphony of praise and worship such as the universe has never heard before.

From Genesis to Revelation, the central theme of human history is marriage.  God does not remain a spectator.  He initiates the action, and it is in Him that it comes to a climax.  From beginning to end, he is totally and personally involved in marriage.

When Jesus came to the earth to make God known to man, His attitude towards marriage harmonized totally with the Father.  Just as the Father opened human history with a marriage, so Jesus opened His public ministry at the marriage in Cana. 

When the wine ran out at the height of the celebration, He turned about 150 gallons of water into wine.  It was no ordinary wine either, for the master of the banquet, after tasting it, called the bridegroom aside and said:

“and said, "Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now."   This, the first of his miraculous signs, Jesus performed at Cana in Galilee. He thus revealed his glory, and his disciples put their faith in him.”
John 2:10-11 NIV

What prompted Jesus to perform His first miracle in such a setting? What important truth did He demonstrate?  The answer is simple:  He demonstrated how much he cared about the success of the wedding.

Loving commitment takes discipline and perseverance.  Simply put, discipline is to do what’s right even when you don’t feel like it.  Perseverance means to keep going and keep doing what is right even when you don’t see results right away.  Perseverance means you don’t give up easily.  I want to talk about conflict in relationships.  Conflict in relationships can take your relationships to new heights, but resolving conflict requires discipline and perseverance to get there.

Marital and relationship conflict is created in one of two ways:

  1. Couples fail to make each other happy, or
  2. Couples make each other unhappy.

The first source of conflict has to do with couples getting frustrated because their needs are not getting met. This is what I call failure to care

The second source of conflict has to do with deliberately hurting each other – this is what I call failure to protect.  Most relationships that fail have done so because men and women have a great deal of difficulty understanding and appreciating each other’s needs.

“My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge…”
Hosea 4:6

We need to be acquainted with what is really going on in our spouse’s heart and mind, rather than assume what is there based on our own vantage point.  The opposite sex often tries to meet needs that they would value, not understanding how different those needs are from their own.  This often makes their efforts misdirected because what they appreciate the most, their spouses appreciate the least. Therefore you must do the work to find out what the other person in your life needs!

Let me just be sure to put it in perspective that no one person can completely supply all your needs. We should get our intimacy needs met from God, our spouse, and other adult friends and family.  When you are married, aside from God, the main place of supply for your needs should be from the marriage relationship.  Some needs cannot be met outside of marriage, and some can.  These needs are so strong that when they’re not met in marriage, people are tempted to go outside marriage to satisfy them.

The vows that a man and a woman make before God in a marriage relationship are serious promises.  Words carry power, and vows even more so because they are an oath.  Oaths are spiritual words that establish a covenant.  When a covenant is honored, there is blessing, but when a covenant is broken, curses go into operation because Satan has been given the legal right of entry. 

The vows that are made in a marriage relationship allow a spouse the exclusive right to meet some of these important needs.  When they are unmet, that is unfair to the spouse who must go through life without ethical alternatives.

Dr Willard Harley Jr., author of “His Need, Her Needs: A Christian Psychologist”, identified the top 10 emotional needs in a marriage.

  1. Admiration
  2. Affection
  3. Conversation
  4. Domestic support
  5. Family commitment
  6. Financial support
  7. Honesty & Openness
  8. Physical attractiveness
  9. Recreational companionship
  10. Sexual fulfillment

When Dr. Harley began to research and isolate these factors based on what was important to men and women individually, he found of the 10 most basic needs, the five listed as the most important by men were usually the five least important for women.  Every person is unique, and any individual has their own unique set of needs.  Generally, this is what research found:

MEN:

  1. Admiration & Respect
  2. Sexual Fulfillment
  3. Recreational Companionship
  4. An attractive wife
  5. Domestic Support

WOMEN:

  1. Affection
  2. Conversation
  3. Honesty and Openness
  4. Financial Support
  5. Family Commitment

Each individual is different, but generally, men and women have different needs.  For example, when you talk about intimacy with men, they are thinking sex.   When you talk about intimacy with women, they are thinking about deep conversations.    Most men hear intimacy; think passionate, physical experience.  But when a wife hears intimacy, she thinks emotional connection and communication.

For men, most of the time, the sex drive is connected to their eyes. Men are visually aroused.  For women, sex drive is connected to her love. She is aroused after she feels emotional closeness and harmony. 

Men compartmentalize aspects of their life from everything else in their life.  Men are by nature compartmentalized creatures.  They have

  1. Box 1 = work
  2. Box 2 = family
  3. Box 3 = hobbies
  4. Box 4 = church

Women see everything connected to everything else. There are the same activities, but each box has invisible, emotional thread connecting them all together.  All boxes work together, and when one “box” is affected, it sets off a chain reaction.  Our emotions are connected to our thoughts,  minds, bodies.  A woman’s life events are carefully threaded together.

Men generally feel less masculine if wife resists sexual advances. But she feels like a machine if she doesn’t experience sexual intimacy flowing from emotional intimacy. For a woman, emotional intimacy doesn’t come when one person gives in and you finally agree.  It’s not about “winning the argument” to her.  It comes when her point of view is listened to, understood, and validated.

“In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat her with understanding as you live together…”
1 Peter 3:7

“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive your inheritance. For you serve the Lord Christ…”
Colossians 3:23-24

Marriage is a special and sacred institution to God.  God created marriage so the family could springfrom the fountain of the marriage relationship. God created and intended all of these things before we entered the world, and we look around and find that life is relational. Life is impacted by those to whom we are connected. I know that God has power in His Word that He wants to download into your heart, your family, and all of your relationships so that His plan can come to pass in your life.  Commit your relationships to Him today! You will be so glad you did. 

Continue Reading No Comments